With All My Heart
by Vinividivinci
Summary: He worried that he was forgetting her, his wife, the mother of his child. But now he had a new love, the chance for a new life and he doesn't want to lose it. Then Pike confronts him and forces him to make a painful decision. Post Blue Bird, pre season 7


**_A short one-shot before season 7. Reviews please (and thank you!)_**

"Hi Mr. Jane", Emma, the mail clerk smiled at him as he reached the top of the stairs. "It's a great day today, isn't it?"

He smiled in return, his face showing the happiness that had recently taken residence in his soul. "Yes, it is!" He regarded her for a moment. "But you know what?"

"What?" she asked, her eyes big. She was young – just eighteen – and this was her first real job. She was intimidated by most of the FBI agents, but Mr. Jane was always sweet to her and made her feel liked and appreciated. He also did cool tricks.

"It would be even greater if you called me Patrick. Mr. Jane makes me feel _old._"

She blushed and giggled, showing _her_ age. "Okay, I'll try."

"So?" He stared at her, his mouth turning down into a frown.

Finally she sighed, giggled again and said, "okay _Patrick". _

"There you go. Now, as great a day as it is, I'd better be getting to work or I'll have the FBI after me."

"Not you", she shook her head, taking him seriously. "Everyone knows you're the best agent here – you and agent Lisbon."

He thanked her and then made his way to his desk – well, actually his couch, which served as his desk, a big smile on his face. He knew it must be obvious to anyone that he was in a great mood but right now he didn't care that he was telegraphing his honest feelings. He was just too damned happy to care.

Wylie poked his head up from his computer as he walked across the floor. "Morning Jane", he called.

"Hi", Jane waved his hand, wondering briefly if Wylie lived permanently in front of his computer screen. He was pretty sure he hadn't been here when Wylie wasn't already there. He then glanced around the office, to see that so far, it was only Wylie and him in.

He was sleeping better than he had in a long, long time, but he still rose early. Of course, he could have stayed in bed – he'd wanted to stay in bed - to just gaze at the woman still asleep beside him, if it hadn't been for Teresa herself.

It had only been two weeks since he'd talked his way onto that airplane and at times he still had trouble believing that she had stayed, that they were now together. He was happy, happier than he had been in many years, but there was still a part of him that worried, that didn't believe he deserved this. Still, he refused to let that part control him or his emotions. He loved her and she loved him and that's all that mattered.

However it did bother him a bit that Teresa didn't want anyone to know they were together. She had assured him that it wasn't because she was ashamed or embarrassed by their relationship – but there too he had his doubts. He knew he wasn't the best choice she could have made – hell, he was about as far from that as you could get – and it would be understandable if she _were _ashamed.

Still, he had agreed, for her sake, and was trying to be as good as he could be. That was the reason he was in so early this morning, so that he could leave well before her and arrive separately at work.

Therefore, when he'd woken up, instead of just enjoying being beside her he'd forced himself to get up, shower and dress. He'd then gone back and given her a kiss to wake her up.

"I'm heading in to work", he told the still half-sleeping woman. ""I'll see you at work Teresa."

"Hmm?" she had asked, looking adorably confused and bleary-eyed. "You're leaving?"

He was pleased to note the sound of unhappiness in her voice at that idea. Still, this had been her decision so she was going to have to live with the consequences. "Yup – you don't want people to be suspicious if we come in together do you?"

"No", she frowned. "But you don't have to leave _this_ early. Why don't you stay for a while longer?"

He grinned and leaned over and gave her another swift kiss on the lips and then stood up straight. "Because if I do that, we'll both be late and we'll _have_ to arrive at the same time. I'm afraid Teresa, that you're much too tempting in the mornings."

She still looked slightly peeved, but his words mollified her somewhat. It was wonderful to be so desired, especially by the man she loved passionately – but it was another thing to have him agree so easily to her demands and then make her live with the results. "Okay", she huffed, although when she looked up at him her voice changed and became much gentler. "I'll see you later."

"Yes, you will." He smiled and walked to the doorway, wishing that instead he could throw himself back onto the bed with her. Why had he agreed to keep things secret?

His mind returning to the present he realized that he had reached his couch and was about to sit, when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He glanced up to see Marcus Pike walking into the bullpen, a determined look on his face.

Jane slowly turned, his heart beating faster than normal, although there wasn't the slightest indication on his face that anything was wrong. He continued to watch Pike, who eventually stopped right beside Teresa's desk.

The man looked rough, thought Patrick. He hadn't shaved in a while – his beard growing in rather scruffy – and he looked tired. Jane felt a stab of sympathy for the man, although it wasn't enough for him to even _contemplate_ giving up Teresa.

He wondered briefly if he should sit down and ignore the agent, or say something to him. Which would Teresa prefer? He almost had to grin at that. He was actually thinking about someone else's feelings before he made a decision, something he was only starting to relearn. He was beginning to change – and Teresa would be proud.

Marcus looked around the office until his eyes alighted on Wylie. He regarded him for a couple of seconds, but then his face and eyes kept moving, almost as if he was looking for something specific.

When his eyes finally reached Jane he stopped and his gaze sharpened. It was clear that he had found what – or who – he had been looking for.

Jane knew that now was not the time to play the coward, even though he wanted nothing more than to escape, because Teresa wouldn't be proud of him if he did. And he had only recently realized how important her being proud of him actually was.

He took a step forward, then another, and another, until he reached Teresa's desk. "Hi Marcus", he said, trying to sound unaffected and congenial. "What brings you back here so soon? I thought you were already working in DC."

"I am – I was", Marcus told him, sounding slightly flustered. Jane was pretty sure he also heard a throb of anger in the man's voice. "I had to come by to testify in the Malcolm case."

"Right", Jane nodded, suddenly unsure of what else to say. "Uh, I hope that goes okay for you." He smiled and was about to turn, when an arm shot out and grasped his.

He opened his mouth, to tell Pike what he thought about being touched – _no one _touched him without permission, when the agent spoke.

"That's not why I'm _here_", the agent said bitingly. "I came to fine out what you did."

"What I _did_? What do you mean? I didn't have anything to do with the Malcolm case."

"Not that you fool", Pike hissed. "What you did to Teresa."

Jane pulled his arm away from the other man and forced himself to take a deep breath. He could feel the anger start to rise and he understood himself well enough to know he could end up saying something cutting, something he'd regret if he wasn't very careful.

"I didn't do anything to Teresa", he said quietly. "Now, I really don't think we have anything -"

"Don't lie to me", Pike continued, his eyes narrowed. "She was coming to DC – hell, we were getting _married_ and suddenly she's telling me she made a mistake, that she doesn't want to hurt me, etc, etc. But I know it wasn't her – it was you – you made her change her mind."

Jane regarded him out of slightly narrowed eyes, trying to remember why it was important that he not verbally scourge this man. He closed his eyes. Because Teresa feels guilty about what she did to Pike. Because she'll be hurt and angry if you say anything and God knows, he didn't want that. He took a breath and opened his eyes. "Teresa is her own woman", he said gently. "She told you her reasons and you need to let it be. I didn't make her do anything."

"Are you telling me you're not together?"

"I'm not talking about me – or us at all, I'm just saying -"

"You fucking bastard", Pike tore into him. "You're so selfish you couldn't let her go, could you? Even when she met a decent man – a man who would care for her and treat her with respect – you had to hang on to her."

"Look", Jane answered, starting to sound angry. "I've told you – she made up her own mind. I didn't force her into anything - and anyway, I don't have to justify myself to you."

"No, because you can do anything you want and get away with it. What is it about you Jane? You've used her, manipulated her, _hurt_ her and still she's loyal to you, she still comes back for more. What did you do to her that makes her lose all sense around you?"

He didn't say anything this time, knowing that what Pike said was, at least partially true. He didn't want to listen, however, and refused to let his words poison what he now had with Teresa. Still, there was a moment of sharp pain as he thought about how he had hurt her, so many times.

"Not saying anything", Marcus smirked. "That's because you know what I'm saying is true. So why don't you let her go? Why don't you let her come to DC and start a new life – with someone who won't use her, but will care for her?"

Jane wanted to turn away, to ignore the man and walk out, but somehow Pike's words were nothing more than an echo of what he had thought, so many times. In fact, it's the reason he left it so late to say anything to Teresa.

No – he wasn't going to let the words flow into him and take hold. Yes, he had used Teresa in the past. Yes, he had manipulated her and hurt her – but those things _were _in the past. He'd left those things behind the day he'd strangled Red John. Now he was ready to be the man she needed.

"Let her go Jane", Marcus said, sounding kinder than he had a moment ago. "Think of her, not you. I'll treat her well – I'll look after her, I promise. For once, don't be selfish and just let her go."

Patrick regarded the other man for a moment – thinking about what he was saying. Did Pike have a point? Should he listen? He frowned and then looked the other man in the eye.

"You don't understand", he said softly. "Teresa is her own person – she makes up her own mind. I can't _let_ her go – nor can I keep her. It's her decision whether to stay or go and if she stays – I'll be here for her."

Pike stood up straight, so that he was looking down at Jane. "You want her, but you're not ready to commit to her, are you?" He looked down at Jane's hand. "You haven't even taken off your wedding ring. Jane – what happened to you – I can't imagine, and I understand that you still must suffer over the loss of your wife and daughter. But you're obviously not ready to move on – and you'll just hurt Teresa again if you try and hold on to her. She doesn't need someone who's still in love with his wife!"

He glanced down at his hand, almost surprised to see the ring still there. He knew it didn't mean that he wasn't ready for a relationship with Teresa, but he wasn't about to explain that to Pike. He raised his head but again didn't answer.

The agent sighed and rubbed his hand through his hair. "You manipulated her into this, didn't you?"

"What?" frowned Jane.

"You manipulated her. That case – it wasn't even real. I heard about it from someone here. You did your usual thing of lying and manipulating and somehow convinced her to stay in Austin. What did you do? Show her what a great team you were and that she shouldn't leave and break you up?"

Patrick laughed, although he hoped Marcus wouldn't detect the note of shame in his laughter. "If you think my _manipulating_ was what kept her here, then you don't know Teresa very well," he told the other man quietly. He wasn't about to tell the man that what he had done had just about sent her running into Pike's arms – and into marriage with him.

"If it wasn't that, then what was it? What did you do to keep her here? It must have been something because otherwise she'd be in DC, with me."

He looked down and thought back to that day, two weeks ago – the day when he'd almost lost everything for the second time in his life. He remembered his fear, his self-hatred, his desire that Lisbon be happy. Then he remembered the blinding moment when he realized what life would be like without her. He had known, in that moment, that he couldn't let her go without _trying._ He had known, on the way to the airport, that his only hope, his only chance was to tell her the truth.

He lifted his head and looked at the man in front of him. Marcus _was_ a decent man and he would have treated Teresa well. He would have cared for her – but Jane knew, without a doubt, that that wasn't enough, not for a woman as incredible, as strong, as _good_ as Teresa Lisbon. He took a breath. "I told her I loved her."

Pike stared at him, and after a moment swallowed. Finally a small and crooked smile appeared on his face. "And I didn't." he said softly, almost to himself. "And that was all she needed, wasn't it."

Jane shrugged. "I told you – Teresa makes her own decisions. I'm just lucky that she decided to stay here."

"No – not lucky", Marcus shook his head. "Smart". Suddenly, without warning, he took a breath and turned towards the exit. He'd already taken a step when he turned back. "Treat her well."

"I plan to."

"Love her."

"I do."

Marcus nodded and then headed out of the office. A moment later he was gone. Jane stared after him for a few seconds and then he too walked towards the exit.

* * *

><p>Teresa arrived at the office with only seconds to spare. She was not a morning person on a good day, but after two glorious weeks with Jane – <em>Patrick<em> – she had to remind herself, she found it especially hard to get moving.

Of course it hadn't made it easier that Patrick had left before she was even up. She snorted. It had only been two weeks and already she was used to having him with her. She was surprised at how easy she had found it. No, not just easy - wonderful.

She smiled as she walked up the stairs – which was just ridiculous because it had only been an hour since she had seen him last. Still, she had missed him and was already looking forward to seeing him.

She headed towards her desk but frowned when she noticed that Jane was not in his usual spot. She figured he must have gone for tea. She saw that Cho was at his desk, as was Wylie. She glanced around at the other agents now milling around the office, ready to start a new day. The empty desk that had been Kim's sat vacant and she felt a small twinge of regret that Fischer had moved to a new position and would no longer be working with them.

"Morning Cho, Wylie", she called happily. The two men both glanced up and returned her greeting. Cho gave her a rather suspicious look, although she might have been imagining that. She was ultra sensitive around people these days. She sighed briefly – maybe they should just go ahead and let everyone know.

She'd been working for almost ten minutes when it dawned on her that Patrick hadn't yet returned. She looked around, puzzled, and then finally turned back towards Wylie and Cho. "Either of you see Jane this morning?"

Cho frowned and shook his head but Wylie smiled. "Yeah, he was here early – just after me". He glanced around and got a puzzled look. "He was talking to Agent Pike for a few minutes and I guess must have left."

"Agent _Pike_?" Lisbon asked, startled. "Marcus Pike?"

"Yeah", Wylie looked at her innocently, but after a moment his eyes grew big and he looked uncomfortable. "Uh – sorry – I forgot. I think – he was hanging around your desk. I thought maybe he was here to see you, but he spoke to Patrick and then left."

"Did they leave together?" she asked, really starting to worry. What was going on?

"Uh – I don't think so."

She nodded and stood, only vaguely aware that Cho was looking at her in concern. She was worried now, wondering what in the world Marcus had been doing here, and what he'd said to Jane. She also worried about what Jane had said to him. She knew how cutting the man could be and prayed that he hadn't been horrible to poor Marcus.

"I'm – uh – going to go find him", she told the guys. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

They both nodded and watched as she hurried out of the room.

"I wonder what that was about?" Wylie asked. "She looked upset."

"Mmm – don't know", answered Cho, although he continued to look pensive.

"I guess Agent Lisbon broke up with Agent Pike. I wonder if Jane said something to him. Jane can be kind of – direct – sometimes."

"Yeah", Cho smiled slightly. "That's one way of putting it. Hopefully he restrained himself." At that he looked almost surprised, remembering that Jane _never_ restrained himself. He sighed, hoping that Teresa didn't kill him. He'd never forget the glass of water she'd thrown at him.

She had appeared to forgive him for his little stunt in Florida, and Jane had seemed to be on his best behavior, although Kimball was pretty sure that wouldn't last for long. It never did with Jane. Still, if he'd insulted Marcus Pike he didn't know what Lisbon would do.

Oh well – that was Jane's problem, not his. He bent his head and got back to work.

* * *

><p>It took her a few minutes to find him. He was sitting outside on one of the benches, his head bowed as if he was looking at something. As soon as she got closer she saw him clench his hand, although he didn't look up when she sat beside him.<p>

"Hey", she said softly.

"Hey." His voice was rough, reminding her of that moment she'd first seen him at the airport after he'd been hauled off the plane.

"You okay?" she asked gently.

"Hmm?" He lifted his head and smiled at her. "I'm fine."

"So, what are you doing?"

Jane sighed. "Just thinking." He paused and looked at her fully. "Pike was here."

"I know, Wylie told me. So, what happened?"

"I didn't insult him, if that's what you're thinking", he told her bluntly. "I was actually quite – nice."

"Really?" her brows lifted and she smiled, slightly. "That's a surprise."

"Ah good! At least I can still surprise you", he told her, an impish look on his face.

"Oh yeah – you can definitely still do that", she told him, her cheeks slightly flushed in remembrance. The last two weeks had been full of – wonderful – surprises.

He laughed softly, inordinately pleased with himself – as only a man could be. "Well, you've definitely surprised me a few times yourself", he acknowledged.

This time it was she who looked pleased and slightly embarrassed. Things were still so new between them that they hadn't reached that point of being totally nonchalant around each other – at least not as far as their physical relationship was concerned.

"So, if you didn't insult him – what happened?" This time she looked at him in concern. He was obviously worried or upset about something and she was pretty sure it had to do with Marcus' visit.

"Oh, you know. He basically told me I didn't deserve you. He reminded me of all the times I'd manipulated you and hurt you and that he was by far the better man."

She went to say something but he spoke before she had a chance.

"He was right", Jane acknowledged. "I've known that for a long time." He looked down at his clenched hands. "It was one of the reason's I waited so long to say anything to you."

"Patrick!" She reached out and laid her hand on his thigh. "Please don't."

"It's okay", he lifted his head and smiled gently at her. "I know how lucky I am that you gave me a chance – that you love me. I don't plan to mess this up and I _can_ change. I may screw up sometimes – in fact I probably will – but I'll keep trying."

"That's all I ask", she smiled in return. "So what _did_ you tell him?"

"Well, he accused me of manipulating you to get you to stay." He gave her a look that was slightly mischievous and slightly ashamed. "I didn't tell him that I almost drove you straight to him by doing just that."

"Good."

"I did tell him that you were the one to make up your own mind as to whether to stay or go to DC, that I couldn't tell you what to do."

That garnered him a kiss on the cheek and a smile. He had to admit to himself that he was becoming entirely too reliant on Teresa's 'pleased with him' smiles.

"And that was it?"

"Well, no." When she lifted her brow at him he sighed. "I told him that all I'd done was tell you I loved you", he admitted, almost shyly.

"All? It was everything Patrick."

At that he leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss. "I know. I just wish I'd been smart enough to realize that months ago."

"What? The great Patrick Jane admitting that he wasn't smart! The world must be ending."

"Idiot", he told her affectionately, with a role of his eyes. "But at least I didn't say I'd marry someone just because I was angry."

"No", she sighed. "It was a rotten thing to do to Marcus. But you have to admit, if there's anyone that can make some one really, really angry, it's you!"

"It's an art", he agreed with a grin.

They sat there quietly for a few minutes, Teresa's head resting on his shoulder. Even thought Patrick appeared relaxed, she continued to watch his hand, which remained clutched tightly in a fist.

"So, what's still bothering you?" she finally asked.

"Bother-"

"_Jane_!" she warned, recognizing instantly when he was about to dissemble. "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to – but please, don't try and make me believe everything is alright.

"Yeah, okay", he sighed. He bent his head and stared down at that same hand – but, after a few seconds, slowly uncurled it. Lying in his palm was his wedding ring. "Pike said I wasn't committed to you because of this."

"Because of your ring?" she asked, her brow crinkled in confusion.

"Mmm hmm. He reminded me that wearing a ring from my wife meant I hadn't gotten over her death and wasn't fair to you."

"Oh." She didn't quite know what to say since it was a subject they hadn't really touched on since they'd been together. In fact, they'd rarely discussed his wife at all, except in the context of his hunt for Red John. "It's okay Patrick – it doesn't bother me."

"It should", he said simply. "Oh, not because of what Pike said", he explained quickly at her flinch. "I _am_ committed to you Teresa – in every way. It's just – it's not fair to you to be with a man who still wears a ring from another woman."

"Patrick, it doesn't bother me, really. I know that Angela will always be your first love. I know that she'll always have a large part of your heart. I understand that and I still love you – and know you love me."

"You're wrong", he said gently. When she looked at him in surprise he gave her a smile – it was a bit wobbly, but it was there. "I loved Angela, of course I did. If it hadn't been for Red John, we'd still be married – and I'm sure happily. She was the love of my life, my _younger_ life and the mother of my child. I know you know all that and I'm not ashamed of it. But – Teresa, life goes on, _has_ gone on and I'm in love with you now."

He glanced down again at the ring. "For many years after I lost her she was in my thoughts every waking moment – and in my dreams. Grace once asked me if I talked to Angela", he smiled, "and I did – all the time. I'd tell her about my day, about the quest to find Red John. I'd tell her about you and about Cho and Rigsby and Van Pelt. I'd admit all the stupid, selfish things I'd done and I'd ask her to forgive me." He stopped and swallowed. "She was the first person I'd think about when I woke up and I spent hours wanting to see her, just one more time. I wanted to feel her arms around me, to kiss me, to laugh with me. I missed her more than you'll ever know." He swallowed and took a deep breath, his eyes moist with tears. He then raised his head and looked at her.

"But things started to change."

"What things?" she asked, softly, gently.

"One night I went up to the loft and was lying down and I started thinking about what had happened that day and I knew I had to tell you about it. I lay there wondering what you'd say, how you'd react. I fell asleep thinking about you."

She kept her eyes on him, knowing it was not the time for her to speak, even though she wanted desperately to reach out to him.

"And then there were the days I woke up thinking about you – not about Angela. It bothered me and I forced myself to stop. I intentionally would think about her – and Charlotte – but sometimes you would sneak in, regardless."

"Jane", she said softly, again touching his leg, knowing how painful this was for him.

He reached out with his empty hand and clasped hers. "After everything was over and I was on the island – everything that happened, everything I did – it was you I thought about. I fell asleep thinking about you, I woke up thinking about you. I wanted to share my days with you. It was funny, really. I'd gone years talking to someone I loved but who was gone and now I was again speaking with someone I loved – who was alive thank God – but wasn't with me."

His voice grew rough and he again looked down. He pulled his hand from hers and began to play with his ring. "Teresa – I'm forgetting her", he cried softly. "I try and remember what she looked like, what she smelled like, how she sounded – and it's fading." He finally lifted his eyes to her and they were full of pain. "That's why I wear the ring – not because I feel like I'm still married to her – but because if take it off, it feels like I'm letting her die all over again. She was my _wife_! I loved her so much but now – I feel like I'm deserting her", he cried.

"Oh Patrick!" she reached out and enfolded him in her arms. "You haven't forgotten her, even if her presence is fading. You're just letting go – letting her memory rest. You haven't forgotten the love you felt for her or for Charlotte. Keep those in your heart and you'll never desert either of them."

He shook his head, unwilling to be comforted. Teresa realized how easy it was for Patrick to allow himself to feel guilt where his wife and child were concerned. She sighed and tightened her grip on him.

"I feel the same about my mother", she confessed softly. "It's hard for me, sometimes, to remember what she was like. But I never forget that I loved her and that she loved me. I also know that a lot of who I am is because of her – not just genetics, but _because_ of her love. That's true with you too. Angela and Charlotte are as much a part of you now as they always were – maybe more so now that you have let go of so much. Just love them Patrick – and don't worry about all the other stuff."

He nodded slightly but then looked down at his ring again. "It's silly, I know but this – it feels like a symbol of her that, if I give up -" he shrugged, not sure if he could explain it. "But at the same time I don't want to wear it when it makes people think I'm not committed to you. And I don't want you to have to explain why you're dating a married man" he looked at her with a soft grin "that is, when you're ready to tell people. I – don't know what to do."

She glanced down at the gold band, well worn from years of wear as well as all the times Jane had touched it and played with it. She slowly reached out her hand. "May I?" She looked at him carefully, knowing she was asking a lot from him.

His hand clutched tightly over the ring, but after a few seconds it relaxed and opened again and he held it out, trusting her enough to touch it.

She picked up the ring and showed him. "Yes, it's a symbol – an important one. It is the symbol of your love, your loyalty, your _life_ with Angela. You need to keep it and I only love you more for feeling that way about it. What if - ?" she stopped, wondering if she should continue.

"What?" he looked at her with love shining from his eyes – love and hurt and heartache.

"Wear it on your right hand", she suggested, holding it out. "Keep it with you – remember her and love her, but if it's important to you, let everyone know you _are_ committed to us."

He regarded the ring for a moment, and then finally nodded and reached out to take it from her. He held it in his hand for another few seconds and then, with a deep breath, pushed it on the ring finger of his right hand. "Feels strange", he said quietly.

"It probably will, for a while. And if you need to put it back – it won't upset me. I know you love me Patrick."

At that he sat up straighter and looked her straight in the eye. "Teresa, I want you to know – no, I _need_ you to know, the love I feel for you - it's not a 'second best' love – and don't ever think that somehow you have only part of my heart", he told her softly but with conviction. "You have _all_ of my heart, as warped and damaged as some of it is. I love you with all of me. Angela was the love of my younger self – you are my love now until I die."

She again put her arms around him – not caring that they were in front of the FBI building. "I know", she said softly. "I've known since that moment on the plane." She smiled. "And I feel the same."

They walked back to the office, together, both of them feeling content and relaxed. Jane glanced, a few times, at his right hand, still slightly bothered by the feeling of his ring there. But then he looked at the woman standing to his left and he smiled.

Yes, Marcus may have been right. He might not deserve Teresa – but damned if he was going to let her go. This time he looked down at his left hand and admitted to himself that he didn't like not having a ring there. He glanced at Teresa and grinned. He'd have to work on fixing that.


End file.
